Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Another Snow Day so I'm hosting Liz Jasper today

Are Vampires Green?

In addition to being a fiction writer I am, according to a yellowing diploma on my wall, a biologist. So when I see that it's that eco-awareness time of year again (Be Green, Read an E-Book Week is March 7-13), I can't help but pop out of my writer's fog to worry about things like global warming and my own carbon footprint.

One doesn't necessarily associate paranormal mystery writers with environmental consciousness. Or so my hairdresser tells me. Even though she's been cutting my not-black hair in a wash and wear style for the year I've known her, it turns out she always assumed I'm a Goth. Why else would I write about vampires? (That's a rhetorical question. In other words, I have no good answer for it. I can, however, tell you why I don't do things like sport vampire teeth. Long fangs are fun in books but in real life would surely get in the way of important things like eating chocolate.)

Which brings me to my original question: are vampires bad for the environment? I mean think about it. Unless they have the bad fortune to collide chest first with a sharp stake or (depending on a vampire's death possibilities) step out into the bright sunshine, they live forever. Longer than Styrofoam in a landfill. Or Twinkies. Which means they probably take up more than their fair share of resources, don't you think?


On the plus side -- and this is a big plus -- they don't eat human food. And if you ever read the statistics about what's trashing our environment, the resources we use to grow food is a big part. There's methane from cattle (a discreet way of saying cow farts) polluting our air, fertilizer polluting our streams, etc. etc. So well done Dracula for getting by on a little blood.

Also on the plus side, they don't commute. Not in cars anyways. Granted any vampire worth his sex symbol status will own a nice set of wheels, but it's not as if he's stuck in rush-hour traffic every day. No vampire with the least bit of brains would spend an hour or two a day battling road rage on the freeway when he could just turn into a bat and fly where he needs to go. (I assume any technology that would allow him to drive a car during daylight hours could also be used to protect his batty little wings.)

This is sounding pretty good for a vampire's carbon footprint, except for that small matter of sucking victims dry. Tsk. Tsk. Really, vampires of the world, haven't you heard of Reduce, Reuse, Recycle? Why suck a victim dry when you can take a little and have them around for another day? Do you have any idea how much it takes to get a pretty young maiden to eighteen in this country? In purely financial terms, estimates range from $38,027 to $104,532. Can you imagine the carbon footprint for just one vampire meal? With the amount of McDonald's Happy Meals the average kid eats? Think of all the cow farts involved in producing one young maiden.

So I say to all the vampires out there, try to be a little more considerate of the environment when you stalk your next victim. And to all readers who like vampire stories, why not do a little to help the planet yourself and make your next vampire book an ebook!

Liz Jasper is an award-winning vampire mystery author and avid eBook reader, blogging this month for All Romance eBooks' Go Green/Read e Campaign. Find out more about the Go Green/Read e Campaign at To learn more about Liz Jasper and to read excerpts and reviews of her books, visit her website at

You can find Liz Jasper's Underdead mysteries and thousands of other eBooks on-line at

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